Women and weight is like a marriage made in hell. Women will spend money or do anything in order to lose weight that they need to lose or lose weight they don't have.
Why is weight so important? I don't know. And when you lose the weight, do you began to love yourself?
Today, I was sitting at my desk in front of a big sandwich, cookies and salad. I felt so hot and bothered by it, like it was a beautiful sexy half naked woman begging me to have sex with her in the worst way. Now, granted I have not had sex in a month, so I'm going through withdrawals.
My mouth began to water, my lips wanted to touch the sweet roasted beef and my tongue wanted to taste the juices. I stared at the sandwich as if it was a desired object for my own sexual desires.
I ate sandwich, I ate four large chocolate chips cookies and the salad. After eating over my full, I wanted to throw up. I thought about it, but I didn't; which is a win for me.
Since the sixth grade, all of jr. high school and the beginning of high school, I was bulimic. Meaning, I would eat and then throw up. I always had a tooth brush and tooth paste with me because after you throw up, you have to brush your teeth. See, your stomach has acid and you throw up the food and the acid. If the acid stays on your teeth, it can erode the enamel.
My point was, if you are thin, you look good and people with love you. That was my crazy thinking.
I can remember back in jr. high, a black teacher told the class; "Black girls don't have eating disorders." So, in my mind, I didn't have a eating disorder. When I think back, I did.
In society, it seems we as people always have to live to a standard that someone put into motion. But, who? I don't know, but it seems fashion decides how you should look and feel. The celebrities, also decides the standard of how we should live. But, did you know, celebrities have problems in their own lives. So, why should we follow after people who have problems with reality?
Celebrities and fashion models are paid to look good because that's their job. If you are a teacher, you need to prepare a lesson plan and practice how to teach the plan in front of your class. The same goes for celebrities and fashion models. If you really saw them for real, some of them are butt ugly.
So, if you are skinny and wear all the high class fashion, will you love yourself even more? NO! You have to love yourself for yourself, not for other people. I have to learned that.
In grade school and jr. high school, I can teased alot, plus I had to deal with my own demons. Believe it or not, my nickname was "Monkey" and I was ugly. I was like the ugly girl in the class, who you don't want to be friends with. During lunch time, if the school had banana day, I will get all the bananas. Down to this day, I can't eat bananas or anything with bananas in it. Bananas make me sick.
I had to learn to love myself and I'm still learning, everyday. It doesn't matter how heavy you are, thin you are, your friends, your clothes or status in life. It's matter on your insides and how you treat people.
For example, I go to The Cash; which is voted the best Lesbian Club in the valley; there are some celebrities are regulars there. For example, one of the Biggest Losers winners. As I understand, she was 300 pounds, now she's thin. She has a line of protein drinks and other merchandising. To me, it seems she is so stuck up, it's not even funny. I said hello to her once and she answered back, but it was because she was someone. To me, she just won a contest and that's why she gets notice. So what? I don't care, who you are just be friendly for once. She has to remember that she is a lesbian, and the crazy church leaders and others believe that she's going to hell, regardless of her fame.
Losing weight doesn't make you happy because I know. I lost alot weight without throwing up and I still have problems with myself, but my have friends to make me snap out of it. When you love yourself, almost everyone loves you.
But, what makes me love myself even more. Taking my clothes off in front of people and going to a nudist resort. Around, Lesbians have seen me in the nude, so what. I feel this way, if I am in the nude in front of people, they see me as I am. If I feel comfortable around people naked, I'll feel more comfortable around people with clothes on. Plus, being nice to people helps out alot, too. One thing two, is going to the gym. The gym helps me to focus on myself and helps me to be sexy. It makes me happy and wonderful inside. It's like my drug. Be a bitch, you be alone, plain and simple. Plus, be yourself. Not everyone is going to love you, if that was the case; we will be robots. I know, I had to learn to love life and don't care about people or my family. I know, it's hard but you have force yourself.
On Sunday, I was taking home my script editor named Rheah from The Cash. She talked about her weight because she's full figure. She wants to lose weight, but can't stand people trying to help her lose weight. She's trying out this Hoodia Gum to control her cravings for sugar. One thing for sure, she gets more sex then me.
So, just loving yourself makes you the center of attention. I still learning to love myself fully. I love my life sometimes, but it can also be a pain in the neck.
It goes to show, everyone has problems even if your admit it or not. But, try not lose yourself in it. Just scream as loud as you can, cry, laugh and get the pain out of your system. Yeah, those same feelings may come back because you are human. Scream, cry, laugh and live another day.
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